The opposite of anger is not permissiveness
In my essay on Anger, I suggested the best way to respond to another person’s anger was not to withdraw, but to move towards them with kindness. This is such an important issue, that I now want to expand on the topic.
There are times when distancing yourself from someone who is angry is necessary. There is absolutely no good reason for you to move towards another, when they are being abusive. For the wife of an abuser to remain in danger, in an attempt to transfer love, while receiving abuse, could easily be a form of suicide. Too many women, either out of fear, or for economic reasons, or for the sake of the children, remain in abusive relationships. This is clearly a situation that does not require the abused, out of Christian charity, to remain living with the abuser, for to do so could prove dangerous.
Likewise, if you, out of a desire to help the abuser, simply offer love, but do not call them on their behavior, could be guilty of lending support to his behavior. I once stopped my car at curbside, when I saw a man beating on a woman. It would have been unthinkable for me to continue driving, knowing this woman was in danger. After calling 911, I stepped between the man and woman, telling the man to back off (not something I’d recommend). Lucky for me I was able, probably because of my attire and size, to intimidate him to step back, until the police arrived. My point in telling this story is that there are times when justice must reign, and we must offer assistance to someone who is being abused.
Remaining in an abusive relationship can be destructive to our spiritual lives, as well as being potentially dangerous. We must be wise as serpents, but meek as lambs, tempering our response to the anger of another. Balance is the key word.
Taking vengeance, and striking back, must not be our response, for this avoids the fact that the abuser is in danger, as well, for he must be called to repentance. In our attempt to offer love and goodness to the person who is heaping anger upon us, we could inadvertently be prolonging the day of their repentance. The person struggling with anger does not need you to be his enabler, and relationships of co dependence have the potential of being spiritually destructive for both parties. As long as our response to someones anger is itself devoid of anger, we are safe.
Permissiveness is not required when dealing with the abuser. The opposite of anger is not the permitting of evil to continue, and allowing the offender to remain in a perpetual state of sin. We must respond without anger. Permissiveness is not required when dealing with abuse. The opposite of anger is not the permitting of evil to continue. We must cultivate a strong sense of right and wrong, and the desire to oppose evil, not out of passion, but out of righteousness.
It is also important for me to clearly state that if the anger is accompanied by a history of violence, the gravity of the offense most certainly does not require the abused to continue to live in the grip of the abuser. This can clearly be a situation that requires the abused to remove themselves, and their children, from the dangers of living with such a person.
Our Lord drove out the money changers from the Temple, in righteous anger. Likewise, you have the right to defend yourself, your children, and your home, from those who would steal from you, abuse you with insults, or betray your friendship. Such people need not be allowed to remain in your life if their abuse threatens your peace of mind, and the safety of those who are in your charge.
With love in Christ,
Abbot Tryphon
Photo: The view of West Seattle from the ferry. The dense smoke from the wildfires of Washington, Oregon, and California, has made for terrible air quality in the entire region.
Friday September 18, 2020 / September 5, 2020
15th Week after Pentecost. Tone five.
Fast. Food with Oil
Holy Prophet Zacharias and Righteous Elizabeth (1st c.), parents of St. John the Forerunner.
Martyrdom of St. Athanasius, abbot, of Brest, by the Latins (1649).
New Hieromartyr Alexis, archbishop of Velikoustiuzh, Martyr Euthymius (1937).
Uncovering of the relics of Venerable Alexander Urodov (2001).
Martyrdom of the Holy Passion-bearer Gleb of Russia, in holy baptism David (1051).
Martyrs Thiphael and his sister, Thivea (or Vivea) (98-138).
Martyr Sarbelus of Edessa.
Virgin-martyr Rhais (Raisa) of Alexandria (308).
Martyrs Juventinus and Maximus at Antioch (4th c.).
Martyrs Urban, Theodore, Medimnus, and 77 Companions at Nicomedia (370).
Martyrs Abdas, Hormizd, and Sunin of Persia (ca. 424).
Icon of the Mother of God Orshansk (1631).
Appearance of the Holy Apostle Peter to Emperor Justinian at Athira near Constantinople.
The Scripture Readings
Galatians 4:8-21
12 Brethren, I urge you to become like me, for I became like you. You have not injured me at all. 13 You know that because of physical infirmity I preached the gospel to you at the first. 14 And my trial which was in my flesh you did not despise or reject, but you received me as an angel of God, even as Christ Jesus. 15 What then was the blessing you enjoyed? For I bear you witness that, if possible, you would have plucked out your own eyes and given them to me. 16 Have I therefore become your enemy because I tell you the truth?
17 They zealously court you, but for no good; yes, they want to exclude you, that you may be zealous for them. 18 But it is good to be zealous in a good thing always, and not only when I am present with you. 19 My little children, for whom I labor in birth again until Christ is formed in you, 20 I would like to be present with you now and to change my tone; for I have doubts about you.
Two Covenants
21 Tell me, you who desire to be under the law, do you not hear the law?
Mark 6:45-53
Jesus Walks on the Sea
45 Immediately He made His disciples get into the boat and go before Him to the other side, to Bethsaida, while He sent the multitude away. 46 And when He had sent them away, He departed to the mountain to pray. 47 Now when evening came, the boat was in the middle of the sea; and He was alone on the land. 48 Then He saw them straining at rowing, for the wind was against them. Now about the fourth watch of the night He came to them, walking on the sea, and would have passed them by. 49 And when they saw Him walking on the sea, they supposed it was a ghost, and cried out; 50 for they all saw Him and were troubled. But immediately He talked with them and said to them, “Be of good cheer! It is I; do not be afraid.” 51 Then He went up into the boat to them, and the wind ceased. And they were greatly amazed in themselves beyond measure, and marveled. 52 For they had not understood about the loaves, because their heart was hardened.
Many Touch Him and Are Made Well
53 When they had crossed over, they came to the land of Gennesaret and anchored there.
Hebrews 6:13-20
God’s Infallible Purpose in Christ
13 For when God made a promise to Abraham, because He could swear by no one greater, He swore by Himself, 14 saying, “Surely blessing I will bless you, and multiplying I will multiply you.” 15 And so, after he had patiently endured, he obtained the promise. 16 For men indeed swear by the greater, and an oath for confirmation is for them an end of all dispute. 17 Thus God, determining to show more abundantly to the heirs of promise the immutability of His counsel, confirmed it by an oath, 18 that by two immutable things, in which it is impossible for God to lie, we might have strong consolation, who have fled for refuge to lay hold of the hope set before us.
19 This hope we have as an anchor of the soul, both sure and steadfast, and which enters the Presence behind the veil, 20 where the forerunner has entered for us, evenJesus, having become High Priest forever according to the order of Melchizedek.
Matthew 23:29-39
29 “Woe to you, scribes and Pharisees, hypocrites! Because you build the tombs of the prophets and adorn the monuments of the righteous, 30 and say, ‘If we had lived in the days of our fathers, we would not have been partakers with them in the blood of the prophets.’
31 “Therefore you are witnesses against yourselves that you are sons of those who murdered the prophets. 32 Fill up, then, the measure of your fathers’ guilt. 33 Serpents,brood of vipers! How can you escape the condemnation of hell? 34 Therefore, indeed, I send you prophets, wise men, and scribes: some of them you will kill and crucify, and some of them you will scourge in your synagogues and persecute from city to city, 35 that on you may come all the righteous blood shed on the earth, from the blood of righteous Abel to the blood of Zechariah, son of Berechiah, whom you murdered between the temple and the altar. 36 Assuredly, I say to you, all these things will come upon this generation.
Jesus Laments over Jerusalem
37 “O Jerusalem, Jerusalem, the one who kills the prophets and stones those who are sent to her! How often I wanted to gather your children together, as a hen gathers her chicks under her wings, but you were not willing! 38 See! Your house is left to you desolate; 39 for I say to you, you shall see Me no more till you say, ‘Blessed is He who comes in the name of the Lord!’ ”
Thank you for your caring and encouraging words! though I must admit it pained me a bit to see women are painted as the default victims and men as perpetrators.
You write: “We must cultivate a strong sense of right and wrong, and the desire to oppose evil, not out of passion, but out of righteousness. ” I strongly agree, but the scars on my soul after years of psychological abuse and gas lighting obstruct my view on what is really right and what is really wrong in my day to day interactions with members of my family.