There are those who fear commitment for fear of loss. They fear the other will either leave them, or be lost in death, so they remain aloof from any possible relationship. Some put on a facade of indifference, for fear of rejection, depriving themselves of any possible happiness. In fear of possible loss, they become the ultimate losers, for the happiness that comes in a committed relationship, evades them. If they don’t love another, they need not fear losing that love. Some, having lost a loved one, fearing a repeat of that loss, and guard against further commitments. It is safe to keep themselves at a distance from others, for in doing so they think they will not suffer loss in the future.
When you refuse to be vulnerable by giving yourself over to a committed relationship, you deprive yourself of one of the most fundamental aspects of what it means to be human. When you fear loss, you are hard pressed to live a life of courage, for it is in living with courage that we are able to fully participate in life, and become fully human.
Grieving the loss of a relationship, either by death or breakup, is just as important to the maturation of our heart, as having a long term relationship, for in grieving we allow ourselves to stay connected to others, and remain openhearted to what God has for us. If fear of loss disables us, we may not be able to risk having anything that really matters to us, for by throwing courage to the side, we deprive ourselves of the touch and the intimacy that helps us open our hearts to all that God has in store for us.
Grieving is the way you can heal from loss, and, in turn, be open to relationships that can make your life more complete, and more fulfilled. Many people do not allow themselves to grieve, so they deprive themselves of relationships that can lead to spiritual growth that only comes through suffering loss. You grow stronger if you allow yourself to grieve when you’ve experienced loss, for grieving is one of the most fundamental of life skills. It is the way that the heart can heal from loss and go on to love again and grow wise. If we refuse to love another, for fear of loss, we remain closed off from not only others, but from God. “He who does not love remains in death (1 John 3:14).”
Love in Christ,
Abbot Tryphon
Photos: Ekaterina and Mikhail, a sweet Russian couple, are traveling around the Orthodox world, taking aerial photos of Orthodox monasteries. After a visit to our monastery, they forwarded these photos, taken from a drone.
Saturday September 1, 2018 / August 19, 2018
14th Week after Pentecost. Tone four.
Martyr Andrew Stratelates and 2,593 soldiers with him in Cilicia (3rd c.).
St. Nicholas priest (1933).
St. Pitirim, bishop of Perm (1455).
Martyrs Timothy, Agapius, and Thecla of Palestine (304).
Icon of the Most Holy Theotokos “Of the Don” (1591).
Uncovering of the relics of Venerable Gennadius, abbot of Kostroma (1565).
Venerable Theophanes, new wonderworker of Macedonia (Mt. Athos) (15th c.) (Greek).
St. Credan, abbot of Evesham.
The Scripture Readings
1 Corinthians 4:1-5
Stewards of the Mysteries of God
4 Let a man so consider us, as servants of Christ and stewards of the mysteries of God. 2 Moreover it is required in stewards that one be found faithful. 3 But with me it is a very small thing that I should be judged by you or by a human court. In fact, I do not even judge myself. 4 For I know of nothing against myself, yet I am not justified by this; but He who judges me is the Lord. 5 Therefore judge nothing before the time, until the Lord comes, who will both bring to light the hidden things of darkness and reveal the counsels of the hearts. Then each one’s praise will come from God.
Matthew 23:1-12
Woe to the Scribes and Pharisees
23 Then Jesus spoke to the multitudes and to His disciples, 2 saying: “The scribes and the Pharisees sit in Moses’ seat. 3 Therefore whatever they tell you to observe, that observe and do, but do not do according to their works; for they say, and do not do. 4 For they bind heavy burdens, hard to bear, and lay them on men’s shoulders; but they themselves will not move them with one of their fingers. 5 But all their works they do to be seen by men. They make their phylacteries broad and enlarge the borders of their garments. 6 They love the best places at feasts, the best seats in the synagogues, 7 greetings in the marketplaces, and to be called by men, ‘Rabbi, Rabbi.’ 8 But you, do not be called ‘Rabbi’; for One is your Teacher, the Christ, and you are all brethren. 9 Do not call anyone on earth your father; for One is your Father, He who is in heaven. 10 And do not be called teachers; for One is your Teacher, the Christ. 11 But he who is greatest among you shall be your servant. 12 And whoever exalts himself will be humbled, and he who humbles himself will be exalted.
Grief is a special thing. You can have such a great grief that you cannot grieve, it may take years to grieve. It may take many years and suddenly you have so much strenght that you are able to start grieving. I really do not think that one pushes others away in fear of loss. But you might be wrapped in a cover in order to survive a grief that otherwise would crush you. Today I think you can only survive a great grief in church. But it might be a long travel before you come to that point.
Dear Father Tryphon,
Thank you for writing a post about this important topic. You have succeeded in encouraging me to grieve more seriously (with commitment and joy), and to be open to a new relationship(s). I will pray about this further this morning.