Abuse

Permissiveness is not required when dealing with abuse

There are times when distancing yourself from someone who is angry, is necessary. There is absolutely no good reason for you to remain with another, when they are being abusive. For the wife of an abuser to remain in danger, in an attempt to transfer love, while receiving abuse, could easily be a form a suicide. Too many women, either out of fear, or for economic reasons, or for the sake of the children, remain in abusive relationships. This is clearly a situation that does not require the abused, out of Christian charity, to remain living with the abuser, for to do so could prove dangerous.

Likewise, if you, out of a desire to help the abuser, simply offer love, but do not call them on their behavior, could be guilty of  lending support to his/her behavior. I once stopped my car at curbside, when I saw a man beating on a woman. It would have been unthinkable for me to continue driving, knowing this woman was in danger. After calling 911, I stepped between the man and woman, telling the man to back off (not something I’d recommend). Lucky for me I was able, probably because of my monastic attire and size, to intimidate him to step back, until the police arrived. My point in telling this story is that there are times when justice must reign, and we must offer assistance to someone who is being abused.

Remaining in an abusive relationship can be destructive to our spiritual lives, as well as being potentially dangerous. Striking back must not be our response, for this avoids the fact that the abuser is in danger, as well, for he/she must be called to repentance. In our attempt to offer love and goodness to the person who is heaping abuse upon us, could inadvertently be prolonging the day of their repentance. The person struggling with anger does not need you to be his enabler, and relationships of co-dependence have the potential of being spiritually destructive for both parties. As long as our response to someones anger is itself devoid of anger, we are safe.

The opposite of abuse is not the permitting of evil to continue, and allowing the abuser to remain in a perpetual state of sin. Although we should respond without anger, permissiveness is not required when dealing with the abuser. We must cultivate a strong sense of right and wrong, and the desire to oppose evil, not out of passion, but out of righteousness.

It is also important for me to clearly state that if the anger is accompanied by a history of violence, the gravity of the offense most certainly does not require the abused to continue to live in the grip of the abuser. This can clearly be a situation that requires the abused to remove themselves, and their children, from the dangers of living with such a person.

Our Lord drove out the money changers from the Temple, in righteous anger. Likewise, you have the right to defend yourself, your children, and your home, from those who would steal from you, abuse you with insults, or betray your friendship. Such people need not be allowed to remain in your life if their abuse threatens your peace of mind, and the safety of those who are in your charge.

The Apostolic Church’s canons recognize that, because of our fallen nature, marriages sometimes will end in divorce. The Orthodox Church therefore allows up to three marriages, the second two having a penitential element inserted into the service. It is also good to note that the Orthodox marriage service does not have the exchange of vows. Both parties, when receiving the crowns, are pledging before God to be obedient to one another, as the salvific role of marriage is to destroy the ego, and self-will. For the abuser to feel entitled to abuse, as though his spouse were his property, goes against everything that happens in the Orthodox marriage service.

With love in Christ,
Abbot Tryphon

Tuesday November 24, 2015 / November 11, 2015
26th Week after Pentecost. Tone eight.

Martyr Menas of Egypt (304).
Martyrs Victor at Damascus (160) and Stephanida (Stephanis) of Spain (161).
Martyr Vincent of Spain (304).
Venerable Theodore the Confessor, abbot of the Studion (826).
Repose of Blessed Maximus of Moscow Fool-for-Christ (1434).
New Hieromartyr Eugene priest (1937).
Venerable Martyrius, abbot of Zelenets (1603).
Great-martyr Stephen-Urosh III of Dechani, Serbia (1331) (Serbia).
St. Martin the Merciful, bishop of Tours (397).
Appearance of the Myrrh-Streaming Icon of the Iveron Mother of God in Montreal.
St. Militsa, princess of Serbia (1405) (Serbia).
Blessed Euthymius and Nestor of Dechani (14th c.) (Serbia).
St. Neophytus and St. Uroshitsa of Serbia (14th c.) (Serbia).
Martyrs of Zelenetsk: hegumen Victor with brotherhood (1927).
Martyr Drakonas of Arauraka in Armenia (4th c.).
St. Nicodemus the Younger of Beroea in Macedonia (1305).
Synaxis of the Saints of Dechani.
St. Bartholomew the Younger, of Rossano, Calabria (1054).

Scripture Readings

1 Timothy 1:8-14

8 But we know that the law is good if one uses it lawfully, 9 knowing this: that the law is not made for a righteous person, but for the lawless and insubordinate, for the ungodly and for sinners, for the unholy and profane, for murderers of fathers and murderers of mothers, for manslayers, 10 for fornicators, for sodomites, for kidnappers, for liars, for perjurers, and if there is any other thing that is contrary to sound doctrine, 11 according to the glorious gospel of the blessed God which was committed to my trust.

Glory to God for His Grace

12 And I thank Christ Jesus our Lord who has enabled me, because He counted me faithful, putting me into the ministry, 13 although I was formerly a blasphemer, a persecutor, and an insolent man; but I obtained mercy because I did it ignorantly in unbelief. 14 And the grace of our Lord was exceedingly abundant, with faith and love which are in Christ Jesus.

Luke 12:42-48

42 And the Lord said, “Who then is that faithful and wise steward, whom his master will make ruler over his household, to give them their portion of food in due season? 43 Blessed is that servant whom his master will find so doing when he comes. 44 Truly, I say to you that he will make him ruler over all that he has. 45 But if that servant says in his heart, ‘My master is delaying his coming,’ and begins to beat the male and female servants, and to eat and drink and be drunk, 46 the master of that servant will come on a day when he is not looking for him, and at an hour when he is not aware, and will cut him in two and appoint him his portion with the unbelievers. 47 And that servant who knew his master’s will, and did not prepare himself or do according to his will, shall be beaten with many stripes. 48 But he who did not know, yet committed things deserving of stripes, shall be beaten with few. For everyone to whom much is given, from him much will be required; and to whom much has been committed, of him they will ask the more.