He who does not love remains in death
There are those who fear commitment for fear of loss. They fear the other will either leave them, or be lost in death, so they remain aloof from any possible relationship. Some put on a facade of indifference, for fear of rejection, depriving themselves of any possible happiness. In fear of possible loss, they become the ultimate losers, for the happiness that comes in a committed relationship, evades them. If they don’t love another, they need not fear losing that love. Some, having lost a loved one, fear a repeat of that loss, and guard against further commitments. It is safe to keep themselves at a distance from others, for in doing so they think they will not suffer loss in the future.
When we refuse to be vulnerable by giving ourselves over to a committed relationship, we deprive ourselves of one of the most fundamental aspects of what it means to be human. When we fear loss, we are hard pressed to live a life of courage, for it is in living with courage that we are able to fully participate in life, and become fully human.
Grieving the loss of a relationship, either by death or breakup, is just as important to the maturation of our heart, as having a long term relationship, for in grieving we allow ourselves to stay connected to others, and remain openhearted to what God has for us. If fear of loss disables us, we may not be able to risk having anything that really matters to us, for by throwing courage to the side, we deprive ourselves of the touch and the intimacy that helps us open our hearts to all that God has in store for us.
Grieving is the way you can heal from loss, and, in turn, be open to relationships that can make our life more complete and more fulfilled. Many people do not allow themselves to grieve, so they deprive themselves of relationships that can lead to spiritual growth that only comes through suffering loss.
We grow stronger if we allow ourselves to grieve when we’ve experienced loss, for grieving is one of the most fundamental forces that makes us human. It is the way that the heart can heal from loss and go on to love again and grow wise. If we refuse to love another for fear of loss, we remain closed off from not only others, but from God. “He who does not love remains in death (1 John 3:14).”
Love in Christ,
Abbot Tryphon
Saturday February 4, 2017 / January 22, 2017
33rd Week after Pentecost. Tone seven.
Apostle Timothy of the Seventy (ca. 96).
Monk-martyr Anastasius the Persian (628).
Venerable Macarius, abbot of Zhabyn (1623).
New Hieromartyrs John, Nicholas, Jacob, Peter, John, John, John and Euthymius priest (1938).
Martyr Anastasius the Deacon of the Kiev Caves (12th c.).
Martyrs Manuel, George, Peter, Leontius, bishops; Sionius, Gabriel, John, Leontus, Parodus, presbyters; and 377 companions in Bulgaria (814).
St. Joseph Samakus the Sanctified of Crete (1511) (Greek).
St. Brithwald of Wilton (1045) (Celtic & British).
St. Wendreda, virgin of March.
The Scripture Readings
2 Timothy 2:11-19
11 This is a faithful saying:
For if we died with Him,
We shall also live with Him.
12 If we endure,
We shall also reign with Him.
If we deny Him,
He also will deny us.
13 If we are faithless,
He remains faithful;
He cannot deny Himself.
Approved and Disapproved Workers
14 Remind them of these things, charging them before the Lord not to strive about words to no profit, to the ruin of the hearers. 15 Be diligent to present yourself approved to God, a worker who does not need to be ashamed, rightly dividing the word of truth. 16 But shun profane and idle babblings, for they will increase to more ungodliness. 17 And their message will spread like cancer. Hymenaeus and Philetus are of this sort, 18 who have strayed concerning the truth, saying that the resurrection is already past; and they overthrow the faith of some. 19 Nevertheless the solid foundation of God stands, having this seal: “The Lord knows those who are His,” and, “Let everyone who names the name of Christ depart from iniquity.”
Luke 18:2-8
2 saying: “There was in a certain city a judge who did not fear God nor regard man.3 Now there was a widow in that city; and she came to him, saying, ‘Get justice for me from my adversary.’ 4 And he would not for a while; but afterward he said within himself, ‘Though I do not fear God nor regard man, 5 yet because this widow troubles me I will avenge her, lest by her continual coming she weary me.’”
6 Then the Lord said, “Hear what the unjust judge said. 7 And shall God not avenge His own elect who cry out day and night to Him, though He bears long with them? 8 I tell you that He will avenge them speedily. Nevertheless, when the Son of Man comes, will He really find faith on the earth?”
Special, personal significance for me in your words, today, Father. Thank you.
Dear Father Tryphon,
Recently my wife and myself, we watched an acclaimed French movie “Amour” that has anything but love in it, mostly at the end. It has a pathological dimension of love and is very well illustrating the end of this fear of love and the lack of moral standards plus a social alienation of the people in the Western cities of Europe. The sad thing it is the fact that, anyone around these people in fear of love, see such behavior as being normal. Growing old alone it may be very traumatic… and many young people do not see it coming…
I experienced a wife of 29 years leaving me because I joined the Orthodox Church. That was at the age of 54. I am now 68 years old. It is easy to say that one should be open to a committed relationship but difficult, following such an experience to trust either the woman or to trust my ability to discern a woman who is good for me. It is even more difficult to find such a woman in the small population of available Orthodox women in my church.