RESPONDING TO THE ABUSER

We are Not Required to Remain in an Abusive Relationship

Although the best way to respond to another person’s anger is not to withdraw, but to move towards them with kindness, there are times when distancing yourself from someone who is angry is necessary. There is absolutely no good reason for you to move towards another when they are being abusive. For the wife of an abuser to remain in danger, in an attempt to transfer love while receiving abuse, is a form a suicide. Too many women, either out of fear, or for economic reasons, or for the sake of the children, remain in abusive relationships. This is clearly a situation that does not require the abused, out of Christian charity, to remain living with the abuser, for to do so could prove dangerous.

Likewise, if out of a desire to help the abuser, we offer love, but do not call them on their bad behavior, we could be guilty of enabling their abusive behavior. I once stopped my car at the curb, when I saw a man beating on a woman. It would have been unthinkable for me to continue driving, knowing this woman was in danger. After calling 911, I stepped between the man and woman, telling the man to back off (not something I’d recommend). Lucky for me I was able, probably because of my attire and size, to intimidate him to step back until the police arrived. My point in telling this story is that there are times when justice must reign, and we must offer assistance to someone who is being abused.

Remaining in an abusive relationship can be destructive to our spiritual lives, as well as being potentially dangerous. We must be wise as serpents, but meek as lambs, and temper our response to the anger of another. Striking back must not be our response, as we must recognize the abuser must be called to repentance. In our attempt to offer love and goodness to the person who is heaping anger upon us, we could inadvertently be prolonging the day of their repentance. The person struggling with anger does not need you to be his enabler, and relationships of co-dependence have the potential of being spiritually destructive for both parties. As long as our response to someone’s anger is itself devoid of anger, we are safe.

Permissiveness is not required when dealing with the abuser, for we must not allow the evil of abuse to continue. We must respond without anger, for the opposite of anger is not passively allowing the abusive behavior to continue. We must cultivate a strong sense of right and wrong, and oppose evil, not out of passion, but out of righteousness. If the anger is accompanied by a history of violence, the gravity of the offense most certainly does not require the abused to continue to live in the grip of the abuser. This can clearly be a situation that requires the abused to remove themselves, and their children, from the dangers of living with such a person. If moving out puts the abused in further danger, the police should be enlisted to help with the move.

It is important to note, finally, that it is not just men who can be the abusers. What I have written about women needing to remove themselves, and their children, from the dangers of living with the abuser, goes as well for men who find themselves in such unhealthy, and dangerous situations. There are also female abusers, and a man need not feel he is alone when dealing with an abusive woman.

With love in Christ,
Abbot Tryphon

Sunday July 18, 2021 / July 5, 2021
4th Sunday after Pentecost. Tone three.
Venerables Tikhon, Basil and Nikon Sokolovsky (16th c.) (movable holiday on the 1st Sunday after June 29th).
St. Arsenius, bishop of Tver (movable holiday on the 1st Sunday after June 29th).
Synaxis of saints of Tver (movable holiday on the 1st Sunday after June 29th).
Synaxis of All Saints of Pskov-Pechers (movable holiday on the 4th Sunday of Pentecost).
Venerable Athanasius of Mt. Athos (1003) and his six disciples.
Uncovering of the relics (1422) of Venerable Sergius of Radonezh (1392).
New Hieromartyr Gennadius priest, Martyrdom of St. Elizabeth Romanov and Nun Barbara (1918).
Venerable Agapitus, confessor (1936).
Martyr Anna at Rome (304).
Martyr Cyrilla of Cyrene in Libya, a widow .
Venerable Lampadus, monk, of Hirenopolis (10th c.).
Icon of the Mother of God “Economissa”.
New Martyr Cyprian of Koutloumousiou Monastery, Mt. Athos (1679) (Greek).
New Martyrs Grand Dukes Sergius Mikhailovitch, Princes John Constantinovich, Constantine, Igor Constantinovich and Vladimir.
St. Morwenna, patroness of Morwenstow (England) (6th c.) (Celtic & British).
Synaxis of 23 Saints of Lesbos (Greek).
Hieromartyr Stephen, bishop of Rhegium, disciple of the Apostle Paul, and with him Bishop Suerus and the women Agnes, Felicitas, and Perpetua (1st c.).
Martyr Athanasius, deacon of Jerusalem (451).

The Scripture Readings

Luke 24:1-12

He Is Risen

24 Now on the first day of the week, very early in the morning, they, and certain other women with them, came to the tomb bringing the spices which they had prepared. 2 But they found the stone rolled away from the tomb. 3 Then they went in and did not find the body of the Lord Jesus. 4 And it happened, as they were greatly perplexed about this, that behold, two men stood by them in shining garments. 5 Then, as they were afraid and bowed their faces to the earth, they said to them, “Why do you seek the living among the dead? 6 He is not here, but is risen! Remember how He spoke to you when He was still in Galilee, 7 saying, ‘The Son of Man must be delivered into the hands of sinful men, and be crucified, and the third day rise again.’ ”

8 And they remembered His words. 9 Then they returned from the tomb and told all these things to the eleven and to all the rest. 10 It was Mary Magdalene, Joanna, Mary the mother of James, and the other women with them, who told these things to the apostles. 11 And their words seemed to them like idle tales, and they did not believe them. 12 But Peter arose and ran to the tomb; and stooping down, he saw the linen cloths lying by themselves; and he departed, marveling to himself at what had happened.

Romans 6:18-23

18 And having been set free from sin, you became slaves of righteousness. 19 I speak in human terms because of the weakness of your flesh. For just as you presented your members as slaves of uncleanness, and of lawlessness leading to more lawlessness, so now present your members as slaves of righteousness for holiness.

20 For when you were slaves of sin, you were free in regard to righteousness. 21 What fruit did you have then in the things of which you are now ashamed? For the end of those things is death. 22 But now having been set free from sin, and having become slaves of God, you have your fruit to holiness, and the end, everlasting life. 23 For the wages of sin is death, but the gift of God is eternal life in Christ Jesus our Lord.

Matthew 8:5-13

Jesus Heals a Centurion’s Servant

5 Now when Jesus had entered Capernaum, a centurion came to Him, pleading with Him, 6 saying, “Lord, my servant is lying at home paralyzed, dreadfully tormented.”

7 And Jesus said to him, “I will come and heal him.”

8 The centurion answered and said, “Lord, I am not worthy that You should come under my roof. But only speak a word, and my servant will be healed. 9 For I also am a man under authority, having soldiers under me. And I say to this one, ‘Go,’ and he goes; and to another, ‘Come,’ and he comes; and to my servant, ‘Do this,’ and he does it.”

10 When Jesus heard it, He marveled, and said to those who followed, “Assuredly, I say to you, I have not found such great faith, not even in Israel! 11 And I say to you that many will come from east and west, and sit down with Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob in the kingdom of heaven. 12 But the sons of the kingdom will be cast out into outer darkness. There will be weeping and gnashing of teeth.” 13 Then Jesus said to the centurion, “Go your way; and as you have believed, so let it be done for you.” And his servant was healed that same hour.