No one is required by God to remain in an abusive relationship
The best way to respond to another person’s anger is not to withdraw, but to move towards them with kindness. There are times when distancing yourself from someone who is angry, is necessary, for there is absolutely no good reason for you to move towards another, when they are being abusive. For the wife of an abuser to remain in danger, in an attempt to transfer love while receiving abuse, is a form a suicide. Too many women, either out of fear, or for economic reasons, or for the sake of the children, remain in abusive relationships. This is clearly a situation that does not require the abused, out of Christian charity, to remain living with the abuser, for to do so could prove dangerous.
Likewise, if out of a desire to help the abuser, we offer love, but do not call them on their bad behavior, we could be guilty of enabling their abusive behavior. I once stopped my car at curbside, when I saw a man beating on a woman. It would have been unthinkable for me to continue driving, knowing this woman was in danger. After calling 911, I stepped between the man and woman, telling the man to back off (not something I’d recommend). Lucky for me I was able, probably because of my attire and size, to intimidate him to step back until the police arrived. My point in telling this story is that there are times when justice must reign, and we must offer assistance to someone who is being abused.
Remaining in an abusive relationship can be destructive to our spiritual lives, as well as being potentially dangerous. We must be wise as serpents, but meek as lambs, and temper our response to the anger of another. Striking back must not be our response, as we must recognizing the abuser must be called to repentance. In our attempt to offer love and goodness to the person who is heaping anger upon us, we could inadvertently be prolonging the day of their repentance. The person struggling with anger does not need you to be his enabler, and relationships of co-dependence have the potential of being spiritually destructive for both parties. As long as our response to someone’s anger is itself devoid of anger, we are safe.
Permissiveness is not required when dealing with the abuser, for we must not allow the evil of abuse to continue. We must respond without anger, for the opposite of anger is not passively allowing the abusive behavior to continue. We must cultivate a strong sense of right and wrong, and oppose evil, not out of passion, but out of righteousness. If the anger is accompanied by a history of violence, the gravity of the offense most certainly does not require the abused to continue to live in the grip of the abuser. This can clearly be a situation that requires the abused to remove themselves, and their children, from the dangers of living with such a person. If moving out puts the abused in further danger, the police should be enlisted to help with the move.
It is important to note, finally, that it is not just men who can be the abusers. What I have written about women needing to remove themselves, and their children, from the dangers of living with the abuser, goes as well for men who find themselves in such unhealthy, and dangerous situations. There are also female abusers, and a man need not feel he is alone when dealing with an abusive woman.
With love in Christ,
Abbot Tryphon
Monday July 6, 2015 / June 23, 2015
6th Week after Pentecost. Tone four.
Apostles’ (Peter & Paul) Fast. Fish Allowed
The Meeting of the Vladimir Icon of the Most Holy Theotokos in memory of Saving of Moscow from the Invasion of Khan Achmed.
Synaxis of All Saints of Vladimir.
Martyr Agrippina of Rome (253-260).
New Hieromartyrs Alexander, Alexis, Peter priests (1918).
New Hieromartyr Mitrophan archbishop of Astrakhan (1919), bishop Leonty of Enotaeva, and those with him.
New Hieromartyr Maxim, bishop of Serpukhov (1930).
St. Artemius of Verkola (1545).
Translation of the relics (1714) of St. Herman, archbishop of Kazan (1567).
Martyrs Eustochius, Gaius, Probus, Lollius, and Urban, of Ancyra (4th c.).
Pskov Icon of the Most Holy Theotokos, “Tenderness” (1524), Zaonikeevsk (1588), and “Vratarnitsa”(1894) Icons of the Mother of God.
Venerables Joseph (1612), Anthony, and Ioannicius, abbots, of Vologda.
Translation of the relics of Venerable Michael, fool-for-Christ of Klops Monastery (1482).
Virgin Etheldreda of Ely (England) (679) (Celtic & British).
St. Dionysius of Polotsk (1182).
St. Nicetas of Thebes in Boetia (1079) and his disciples Theodore, Gregory and Daniel.
The Scripture Readings
Romans 16:17-24
Avoid Divisive Persons
17 Now I urge you, brethren, note those who cause divisions and offenses, contrary to the doctrine which you learned, and avoid them. 18 For those who are such do not serve our Lord Jesus Christ, but their own belly, and by smooth words and flattering speech deceive the hearts of the simple. 19 For your obedience has become known to all. Therefore I am glad on your behalf; but I want you to be wise in what is good, and simple concerning evil. 20 And the God of peace will crush Satan under your feet shortly.
The grace of our Lord Jesus Christ be with you. Amen.
Greetings from Paul’s Friends
21 Timothy, my fellow worker, and Lucius, Jason, and Sosipater, my countrymen, greet you.
22 I, Tertius, who wrote this epistle, greet you in the Lord.
23 Gaius, my host and the host of the whole church, greets you. Erastus, the treasurer of the city, greets you, and Quartus, a brother. 24 The grace of our Lord Jesus Christ be with you all. Amen.
Matthew 13:10-23
The Purpose of Parables
10 And the disciples came and said to Him, “Why do You speak to them in parables?”
11 He answered and said to them, “Because it has been given to you to know the mysteries of the kingdom of heaven, but to them it has not been given. 12 For whoever has, to him more will be given, and he will have abundance; but whoever does not have, even what he has will be taken away from him. 13 Therefore I speak to them in parables, because seeing they do not see, and hearing they do not hear, nor do they understand. 14 And in them the prophecy of Isaiah is fulfilled, which says:
‘Hearing you will hear and shall not understand,
And seeing you will see and not perceive;
15 For the hearts of this people have grown dull.
Their ears are hard of hearing,
And their eyes they have closed,
Lest they should see with their eyes and hear with their ears,
Lest they should understand with their hearts and turn,
So that I should heal them.’
16 But blessed are your eyes for they see, and your ears for they hear; 17 for assuredly, I say to you that many prophets and righteous men desired to see what you see, and did not see it, and to hear what you hear, and did not hear it.
The Parable of the Sower Explained
18 “Therefore hear the parable of the sower: 19 When anyone hears the word of the kingdom, and does not understand it, then the wicked one comes and snatches away what was sown in his heart. This is he who received seed by the wayside. 20 But he who received the seed on stony places, this is he who hears the word and immediately receives it with joy; 21 yet he has no root in himself, but endures only for a while. For when tribulation or persecution arises because of the word, immediately he stumbles. 22 Now he who received seed among the thorns is he who hears the word, and the cares of this world and the deceitfulness of riches choke the word, and he becomes unfruitful. 23 But he who received seed on the good ground is he who hears the word and understands it, who indeed bears fruit and produces: some a hundredfold, some sixty, some thirty.”
This is a much needed and very comforting word to people who find themselves in abusive relationships. It is good to know the Orthodox Church does not impose that on people, and do not demand “submission” of wives is such cases. Thank you.
Could you recommend good books/podcasts/any resources about codependency, ideally with a Christian basis? It is difficult for me to see boundaries clearly and I get so easily confused (but that is not surprising since my knowledge of the scriptures is very shallow). For example, when to turn the other cheek and when to refuse to give our oil? Also, are there books on codependency you’d recommend avoiding? Seems certain lines of thinking could lead one away from loving others as Christ loves us and justify pursuing one’s own desires, no? Lord have mercy on me. Thank you for your words and prayer.
Yes, this is a good article to read and comfort to know that the Church does not sanction spousal abuse. I struggled for many years in an abusive marriage with children and did not know if I would violate God if I’d get out. It was very hard and the pain and divorce of my parents added to the weight. I decided under terrible strain and pressure, if I was going to be damned getting out, I felt I was damned staying in.
So I got out many years ago, but the pain remains. I grew up in a society and Church were divorce was frowned upon and woman became like 2nd class Christians.
I would like to find help and forgiveness for having made the mistake of not marrying a true Christian. He was Catholic, but not really.
I wish everyone posting here and having gone thru this misery can find healing, as I do for myself.
Gods blessings!
These are good and insightful words of wisdom and I appreciate the support, but what about the evilness concerning emotional and mental abuse ?
I would be very grateful to you and much blessed if you would write an article on a Christian guide providing how to overcome this overwhelming, worldwide disease… Most people do not think it is as bad as physical abuse but being in a long term relationship where it is constantly used i need to know how God wanys me to handle this.
Thank you
These are good and insightful words of wisdom and I appreciate the support, but what about the evilness concerning emotional and mental abuse ?
I would be very grateful to you and much blessed if you would write an article on a Christian guide providing how to overcome this overwhelming, worldwide disease… Most people do not think it is as bad as physical abuse but being in a long term relationship where it is constantly used i need to know how God wants me to handle this.
Thank you
Emotional and mental abuse are just as damaging as physical abuse!
I would even say where there is physical, there is also mental and emotional abuse. It was in my case.
I would they the abusers Identity is not in Christ and therefore has low self esteem, destructive and everything that he can destroy…he will. He does not love God, others, but only himself in a very sick way tearing down what threatens his ego. MHO
Moving this a little beyond the normal family to the dynamic of priest and parish: What can be said when your Bishop accepts a policy of psychological abuse by your priest on parishioners? Do you simply leave the church?
Not knowing the circumstances, nor the bishop or priest you speak of, I can not address the subject. That said, if there is another Orthodox parish in the area, perhaps you should consider going there. Otherwise, attend the Liturgy, and keep your distance from those who would cause you pain.